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Presenter materials - Easter Planning Day. Calendar - December. Calendar - November. Calendar - October. Calendar - September. Calendar - August. Calendar - July. Calendar - June. Calendar - May. Calendar - April. Calendar - March Lenten meal blessing. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The church installed hot air hand dryers in the bathrooms to cut down on paper towel waste and save money.
They worked just fine, but the Rev. One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene. Then another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel left her. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination do you want? The outreach committee has enlisted twenty-five members to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls! One for you, one for me.
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Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass….. A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor. The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant. Remember this: you must divide your property equally. The wife flared up. I must give him half? My money? The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution. Then you take two children and your husband takes two.
The wife shook her head. Two priests die at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So what else would you like to be? When the computer is running again, God asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. After the birth of his baby brother, a little boy was thoroughly annoyed at all of his crying and screaming. God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet. The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still Mother Teresa says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a. God sighs. Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying. There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he died. His life fading, he made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. After examining the miserly tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased. An out-of-town pastor drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. The pastor was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The uncle asked how she was going to spend it. The new minister in the local congregation learned that one of the wealthiest members on the roll was not a regular contributor or attender, so he made a phone call. A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
The horse started heading toward the edge of a cliff on a narrow mountain trail. He is the pastor of this church. Ole and Lena were sitting side by side on the pew listening to the pastor go on and on with his sermon. She elbowed him in the ribs. The new pastor was earnestly practicing his sermon delivery in the empty sanctuary when he realized the elderly sexton was standing in the doorway listening. Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church. Get out! It can buy a house, but not a home.
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It can buy a bed, but not sleep. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you medicine, but not health. It can buy you blood, but not life.
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It can buy you sex, but not love. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering… so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you. The cash-strapped church was doing all it can to save money. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. A minister was preaching a sermon about the evils of alcohol.
On the way to Sunday school with his offering money, little Johnny stopped at the convenience store for candy. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had nested in the baptistery, so the deacons put a lid on it and tried to drown the squirrels. But they escaped and kept on multiplying. Three days later the squirrels were back. The Lutherans came up with the best and most effective solution. A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Is that any way to talk to your pastor? There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year.
Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot. But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters.
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And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands. And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church. Eager to hire the young pastor just out of seminary, the elder of the small country church asked what kind of salary the candidate expected.
The new pastor was startled to learn that the wealthiest member of the congregation never gave a dime. So she stopped by to ask him why. Or that I have three children in expensive private schools? The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps. A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. Father George was opening his mail one morning. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.
The chairman of the finance committee grumpily declared that the meeting could not go forward because they were one person shy of a quorum. We gather in your name, Lord, so we know you are here to make a quorum. A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. While participating in a church Christmas pageant many years past, I had the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator.
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort — one that did not admit Jews. The hotel is full. The perfect pastor works from 8 a. The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of the time with the senior citizens. He or she smiles all the time with a straight face because of a sense of humor that maintains serious dedication to the church. The perfect pastor makes 15 home visits a day and is always in the office when needed.
The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he or she is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
How much does he send you? The village pastor was known for his weakness for trout. He loved trout and he loved to fish. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish. The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout. And he accepted the gift. A few more definitions for words near and dear to the hearts of Christians everywhere:.
Bulletin : 1 Something to read during the sermon; 2 a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3 your receipt for attending church. Choir : A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns. Recessional hymn: The final hymn of a Church service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money! Johnny was on the way to church when he stopped by the corner store. An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me. At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. The lawyer was aghast. Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie…. Hell is waiting for you. I never cheated on my wife. Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. An elderly woman had recently died. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote …. After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.
Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. Bulletin— 1 Something to read during the sermon; 2 a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3 your receipt for attending church. Choir— A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns. Recessional hymn— The final hymn of a service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung. After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.
The pastor was thrilled. Well, it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever! This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes. The little boy was helping his mom around the house, and he left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. A policeman pulls over a car full of nuns. Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. At this point, the officer sees the other nuns in the car shaking and trembling. A man wanted to be buried with his money. On his death bed, he called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. A businessman was in big trouble. He had put everything into his business, and now it was failing. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do. A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. The choir director became peeved when a buzzing insect distracted the singers during practice.
When it landed, she promptly squashed it. Two pastors were riding very fast on a motorcycle. What if you have an accident? Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle. A Pastor in Florida lamented that it was very difficult to get his message across to his congregation. Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg.
Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. An unmarried guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he goes to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settles on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. A few minutes later he tries again. A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. To prepare for his talk about global missions, the speaker had brought an inflatable globe the size of a beach ball. Misfortune struck when minutes before the talk his globe sprang a leak and deflated.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. As Bill was approaching mid-life, not only was he going bald, but he also had a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. Determined to change his life, he joined a gym, started eating right, and got an expensive hair transplant and new clothes. Six months later he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
All dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. Is that you? A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible.
She gave the children a month to learn the chapter. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most generous givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. I was forced to wash as a child. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. I used to wash, but it got boring. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. None of my friends wash. People who make soap are only after your money. You know who he thought you were!
Peter, and off flies the first priest. Peter, and the second priest disappears. They went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there. When he stopped, he found the mower was purring nicely at idle and the seller assured him it ran great. Satisfied, the preacher brought the mower home. But the next day he pulled the starter rope again and again, but it would not start, no matter what he tried.
Finally he called the seller and accused him of deception. Several weeks later the pastor bumped into him again. This time the man wore a pair of kakhi slacks, penny loafers and a buttondown shirt. I looked so dang good I decided to go to the Episcopal Church instead. Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle.
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. Wish you could have been there. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible? He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. When they saw a buck, all three of them shot at the deer simultaneously. But only one shot struck the buck, and an argument broke out on which of them had actually made the kill. A game officer came on the scene and, after examining the buck, settled the matter.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. He then removed it from his shirt for the lad to examine. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. Other monasteries, they knew, had opened bakeries or wineries. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. The flowers arrived and Joe read the card.
The assisting minister asked what they were for. Hip hip, hurray! The good news is that I am back. Tell them our lawn mower is broken. The choir sang beautifully and the Pastor preached the word of God profoundly. The congregation shouted and danced praised unto God. They had a really exciting time in The Lord.
On the way home, the youngest son said. Pleased and surprised, her parents asked her why she came to that decision. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. Several days later he returned. He sat down. How about you? The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. Read less. There are better things to do with your time.
Forget dieting. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. Procrastinate more. Drink more alcohol. Start being more superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing food from home. There are plenty of fast food restaurants. Take up a new habit. All three? I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell. He knew these men, his most trusted and valued friends, would quietly help him. The second pastor said that he too, had a secret vice — gambling.
The third pastor confided that lust was a really big issue for him. The fourth pastor announced that he also had a problem: gossip. Have faith — the Lord will watch over you. Only three people turned up to hear him preach. The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived.
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On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. Then he would ask the blessing. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility…. The treasurer rolled her eyes. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
It all became clear when the visitor realized the door was to the nursery. I anointed my skin with oil, My gas tank runneth dry; Surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends of summer, And I shall return to the house of the Lord this fall. A: Only one — any more than that and it might seem like an ecumenical activity. Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that: This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps. And we seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential. Q: How many missions magazine editors does it take to change a light bulb? Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels an inner light. Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen — one to change the bulb and 12 to sit around talking about how much they miss the old bulb. Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb? Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: If God has predestined the light bulb to shine, it will change itself. Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change?
What is this change you speak of?
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Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but soon all those around can warm up in its glowing. Control yourself! I got religion!!! Choir: A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns. Recessional hymn: The final hymn, and usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.
Ushers: The only guys in the church who still do not know the actual seating capacity of a pew. Relics: Older members who still remember when to sit, stand, and kneel during worship. Peter explained. You were a real pane. While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town.
The Lutherans had the best solution. But then I got to be 95, then , then So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ….. He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time. They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face. Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay? Jesus Saves! The man agreed, and the pastor came back that afternoon with the clothes. I looked so durn good I went to the Episcopal church!
Matthew So she looked it up. If it rains, it will be held in the morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it. The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. Please bring your husbands. The vicar is on holiday until the 27th.
Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry? It maketh me to lie down on the sofa. It leadeth me away from the Scripture. It destroyeth my soul. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will enjoy the evil, for blood and sex, they excite me. It prepares a filthy commercial before me in the presence of my children. It anoints my head with humanism.
My coveting runneth over. Surely laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.