Cute & Winter: Eiskaltes Verlangen (German Edition)

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Ich war ein unwillkommener Gast. Ich war quasi seine Erfolgsgeschichte. Ich schwor, eines Tages auf seinem Grab zu tanzen. Er vergisst sogar meinen Geburtstag. Ein kaltherziges, ignorantes, narzisstisches Arschloch.


Logisch, oder? So einfach kam der mir nicht davon. Ganz tief in mir wollte ich nur eins. Seine Anerkennung. Heute liebe ich diesen knorrigen Menschen. Und er ist immer noch der Gleiche. Und heute weiss ich auch, warum es so furchtbar lange gedauert hat, bis ich ihm wirklich vergeben konnte: Ich hatte versucht, ihm gedanklich zu vergeben. Ich hatte versucht, ihm mit Affirmationen zu vergeben.

Winter in the German Alps

Es war eine sehr kopfige Angelegenheit und es war haufenweise Schwarz-Weiss-Denken und seeeehr wenig Emotion mit im Spiel. Das war im November Und weiterzuversuchen. Ich zog mir die Videos von zig verschiedenen Meditationslehrern rein, die alle—in leicht anderen Worten—von einer Tatsache redeten, die mir so jenseits vorkam, dass ich es zuerst nicht recht glauben konnte:. Wie bitte? Meine Gedanken und ich sind nicht eins? Das machte mir eigenartig Mut. In der gleichen Zeit begann es mir auch einzuleuchten, dass es nur mir selber zusetzte, einen Groll so lange mit mir herumzutragen— ich trug ihn ja mit mir herum!

Siddhartha Gautama. Mit all dem startete meinen Weg, mich selbst zu hinterfragen. Dabei lernte ich etwas, was mir vorher nicht erschlossen war:. Ich musste anfangen, mich selber lieben zu lernen. Und ich wusste, dass ich verdammt viel Arbeit vor mir hatte. Arbeit, die offensichtlich bis heute andauert. Aber ich musste ja irgendwo anfangen, nicht?

Was er getan hatte, gesagt hatte, nicht getan hatte und nicht gesagt hatte. Alles auf Papier. Und dann war ich endlich mutig genug, den ganzen stinkenden Emotionshaufen hochkommen zu lassen. Und Mannomann, kam der hoch. Wut, meine Freunde, blanke Wut. Von ganz tief unten stieg das Gift auf, das nur eines wollte: ihm alles doppelt und dreifach heimzuzahlen. Es tut mir so leid! Aber da war niemand. Jetzt war die Zeit, mit der Welle echter Traurigkeit mitzuschwimmen, und sie ziehen zu lassen.

Also liess ich mich weinen und nach meinem Vater rufen. In all der Aufgebrochenheit meines Herzens sah ich ihn zum ersten Mal anders und—hat da einer von unerwarteten Resultaten geredet? Ich begann den Jungen in seinen Augen zu sehen. Ich liess ihn einfach sein. Funktioniert bestens. Wenn es schwierig wird, denke ich wieder an den Jungen, den er einmal war. Du bist ein guter Kerl. From what?? You seem to forget just how many calories you ate yesterday evening! Other people have been up for hours , —and guess who has already finished their cardio session by now? Clearly, you need to be controlled.

May I remind you, you are currently not working and other people would lick their fingers to have your problems! I mean, really. The trauma-therapy? The back-surgery-recovery? You DID take days off. In fact, after your back surgery last December you hardly moved for a few days, right there. But my hormones are still completely out of whack… Which is a direct result of too much exercise. It might just as well be because of your messed-up way of eating you seem to be unable to change.

Do you want to be laughed at again? Lots of exercise and—if only once a day—a gloriously big meal. I mean, before the surgery, 2 hours of daily cardio were your minimum. Honestly, you should be glad to have me around for damage control! So, go figure. Du scheinst zu vergessen, wie viele Kalorien du gestern Abend wieder verschlungen hast!

Andere Leute sind schon seit Stunden auf den Beinen… —und rate mal, wer sein Ausdauertraining schon hinter sich gebracht hat? Nicht du. Im Gegenteil… —angemessene Erholung sei wichtig. Ganz offensichtlich geht ohne meine Kontrolle gar nichts hier. Ich meine, echt. Die Traumatherapie? MIT Unterbruch. Aber mein Hormonhaushalt ist immer noch total aus der Bahn. Das passiert, wenn man zu viel Sport treibt. Da waren wir schon mal, oder? Willst du wieder ausgelacht werden? Und da du ja keine kleinen Portionen essen kannst, musst du halt den Preis bezahlen. Viel Sport und—halt nur einmal am Tag—schlemmen.

Es gibt nichts zu jammern. Gibt man dir frei, kippst du gleich ins andere Extrem. Dann isst du nur noch und verschenkst deine Trainingsschuhe. Geht nicht. Darf ich dich daran erinnern, dass du zuvor noch minimum 2 Stunden Ausdauersport pro Tag durchgezogen hast? Das magst du ja heutzutage nicht mal mehr. Und zugenommen hast du auch. Vielleicht bist du halt einfach nicht so liebenswert.

Darum musst du das halt optisch wettmachen. Du kannst nicht alles haben. Ach, und 42 bist du auch. Und jetzt stell dich in deine Turnschuhe und tu was. Bin ich die Einzige? Ich glaube nicht. Als du vor fast 30 Jahren gestorben bist, war ich erst ein Teenager. Weg von dir zu sein. Hoffentlich ist es nichts Schlimmes. Alles was ich wollte waren ganz viele gute Noten um dich—einmal in meinem Leben— stolz zu machen.

Und ich wusste, dass etwas furchtbar schief gelaufen sein musste. Das allererste war unermessliche Erleichterung. Aber ich war nicht geschockt weil du gestorben warst. Vor lauter Angst und Schock fing ich an zu weinen. Vor fast 30 Jahren, Mama. In all dieser Zeit war mein Herz geschlossen und mein Kopf erinnerte mich immer wieder an die schlimmen Dinge, die vorgefallen waren… Deine Unberechenbarkeit.

Dein Alkoholproblem. Deine erbarmungslose Routine, mich jeden Morgen auf die Waage zu stellen. Dein Um-dich-schmeissen von Esswaren. Dein Blossstellen aller meiner Fehler vor anderen Leuten. Deine Drohungen, dir das Leben zu nehmen. Deine jenseitigen Erwartungen an mich. Ich wusste, dass ich nicht weiterleben konnte so. So viel zu viel. Ich war mir ja deine Stimme gewohnt. Da bin ich dran. Ich beginne, mich selber kennenzulernen.

Mama, wenn du irgendwo da draussen bist, wisse eines: Ich liebe dich auch. Ich bin dankbar, deine Tochter zu sein. I spent more time on this earth without you than with you. When you died, almost 30 years ago, I was just a teenager. And I while I hated the place I was at, I was eager to finally be away from home. Be away from you. I felt safe for the first time. I clearly remember that morning when I was called out of French grammar class to go see the headmaster in his office.

All I wanted was to get good grades in order to—for once in my life—make you proud. All I wanted was—for once in my life—to hear you say that I was enough for you. Across from the headmaster, there sat sat your guy. And I knew something was awfully wrong. In this second, a million feelings happened all at once. The initial one was a sense of tremendous relief.

It felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. Right on the heel of that relief came a paralyzing sense of guilt. What kind of a terrible daughter am I? I was shocked because I feared that he would take me with him, that I would be made to leave the boarding home. Out of fear and shock, I started crying. And I begged the headmaster to stay. Soon after, your guy left — with a hateful look in his eyes. During all this time, my heart was closed and my mind was quick to remind me of all the terrible things that happened… Your unpredictability. Your drinking. Your belying everything to the outside world.

Your blaming me for your unhappiness. Your shaming me for the way I looked. Your weighing me every morning. Your throwing food at me. Your exposing me for all of my mistakes in front of other people. Your way of falling asleep with your cigarette on and causing fires.

Your punishing me for saving your life. Your threats to take your own life. Your utter disregard for my feelings.

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Your merciless expectations. Your not letting me be myself, let alone a kid. Up until your death, I was sure that I wanted to leave this world. It was too much. It was much too much for me, Mama.

After your death, I felt relieved, finally free to live my life. That felt better—safer—than to trust anyone. Up until a few years ago, I never knew that there were so many unprocessed feelings hidden in my subconscious. It was just normalcy for me. I was used to your voice, your diets.

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So I kept on doing that: Yelling at myself for mistakes, and trying to become thinner at all costs. Only after all of that took a very dark turn and the walls I had put up around me started to crumble, it became clear that, at my core, I had been standing on sand all along. It was only after my breakdown that I could finally start to feel and that I could start—ever so slowly—building a more solid foundation to stand on. I am in the process of doing that. And as I cried, my heart started opening. In an instant, I just knew that even if you could never show me, you must have loved me.

Schon macht die Badesaison keinen richtigen Spass mehr. Hat die Menschheit den Verstand verloren? Also, wieso? Und Werbung? UND dann sind sie noch gephotoshoppt. Wer bleibt da schon immun dagegen. Das ist eine verdammte Menge Geld.

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Den ganzen Tag nichts essen, nur abends. Keine Ausnahmen. Schwindel vor Hunger. Unausweichlich die Essattacken. Das willst du nicht. In Wahrheit sind wir nicht gemacht, um alle gleich auszusehen. Genau so, wie kein Apfelbaum dem anderen gleicht, und jeder Apfelbaum ein kleines Wunder ist, ist es auch bei uns. Summer peeks around the corner and — bam! They take all the fun out of the bathing season, right? And as the proverbial donkey, we start going after it. I mean, seriously.

Has humanity lost its mind? But because most of us bought into this crap, we have obediently started to go after that carrot dangling in front of our noses. So, why? We are literally being bombarded by the message that, we can ALL look like that, and that we better get our damned asses moving if we want to be accepted in society.

From cars to breakfast cereal, from travel companies to cat food, from headache medicine to contact lenses; the men and women we see make up the very smallest percentage of the general population. How could anyone be immune to that? In the US alone, the diet-industry is making 60 billion Dollars off of our body-shame. That, my friends, is a fucking lot of money.

So if you belong to those few who went unfazed by all that toxicity, tell me how you do it! I was one of believers. Restricting food all day, only eating dinner. No exceptions for 8 years straight. Brainfog from hunger. Inevitable binge-eating attacks. Punishing exercise routines daily, for 8 years straight that drove me into the ground. Mind you, people applauded me for it. And since we are leading examples, girls start to go after that dream-body at ever younger ages. There is hungering, joyless-to-compulsively restrictive eating, obsessive exercising, in many cases vomiting at which I—thank GOD—never had any success , dreaming of cosmetic surgery.

Everything; just to be skinny. Yet the only ones who get to be as happy as everyone is dreaming to be, are the giants of the diet-industry. Just as no apple tree looks exactly like any other, and just as every apple tree is a small miracle, so are we. Each and every one of us are exactly as lovable as everyone else, we are all more than allowed to fully accept ourselves and show up at the beach.

I want to see a generation of girls growing up to be proud in their unique bodies. To live in them with confidence and ease, and to spend their time, creating great stuff in this world. You already have it. Summer is yours! At any size. Talking about diet-culture makes me want to use reeeeaally harsh words. The unlaughed laughter, the uncaressed skin, the unexpressed joy, the unbaked cakes, the uncelebrated lives, the unlived dreams.

The world has grown none the wiser. Diet-culture seems out to get everybody. Those, however, who had had hurting souls to start with, risk not only to waste a lot of time, energy, money, and self-worth, but also their… yes, their lives. My mother was one of them. Growing up in a messed up home, she never knew a feeling of inner stability. Looking back, I can only guess how overwhelmed she must have been by life itself.

Eventually, I lost her. Nor for me, nor for her. It cost me my childhood—an unsafe and utterly unpredictable, often violent chapter of my life. It cost her all of her relationships, most of all the one to herself and to her daughter. And it cost her her life. Shortly after she died, I started to gain some weight well, I finally had the freedom to eat! But I made it out of there alive. Only, instead of feeling proud, I found fault in myself. What I got hung up on in a very bad way was the message of diet culture.

I felt awful in my skin all my life. There was a time when I wanted to cut off the flesh on my tummy, my thighs and my butt, because I felt too ugly for the world. I would have given everything for a different body. Until very recently, in fact. Up until I was 40 and hit rock bottom. I let my own self-respect slowly, over years and years, rot away in diet-culture-hell. Two years ago, I started to wake up to another truth. And I am only now building up the courage to really—not just intellectually—get out of that narrow prison cell I made my life to be, and STICK it to all of those toxic messages.

Not just for myself. But for my mother. And every one of those countless women who never had the privilege to see that it was never THEM who were at fault. Dass mit mir irgendetwas nicht stimmte. Wenn ich an all das denke, dann will ich zuallererst fluchen wie ein Italienischer Zementmischer mit einem Meth-Problem. Einfach so. Aber ich tue es nicht. Und—vor allem!

Life is simple: Eat.Bike.Sleep

Meine Mutter war eine von denen. Sie wuchs in einem sehr instabilen Haushalt auf, hatte nie einen inneren Boden. Das konnte nicht klappen. Es klappt nie. Es kostete sie alle ihre Beziehungen, allen voran jene zu sich selber und jene zu ihrer eigenen Tochter. Und es kostete sie ihr Leben.

Kurz nach ihrem Tod begann ich zuzunehmen.

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Endlich durfte ich essen! Also ass ich mit Gusto. Mich kann man einfach nicht normal essen lassen. Mich zwang etwas anderes in die Knie. War doch klar, dass ich der Fehler sein musste, alle andern sahen ja super aus! Das trennt uns nicht nur von unserem eigentlichen Wesen, das trennt uns auch voneinander. Das will ich nicht mehr. Glaub mir, ich bin Schweizerin. Nun gut, da bin ich also, im einem kleinen Himmel im Herz von Europa.

Wie konnte es nur passieren, dass ich aus dem heiligen Garten geschmissen wurde? Wie konnte es passieren, dass ich nie unbeschwert Skifahren ging, segelte, mein kleines Paradies erkundete? Wie konnte es passieren, dass ich mich nie unbeschwert nackt zeigen konnte? Scheint mir eine ziemlich wasserdichte Methode, um sich aus einem heiligen Garten zu schmeissen. Der Rausschmiss fand langsam statt. Ich ass. Mit Gusto! Das ging eine Weile gut. Nicht lange. Siehe da, ich wurde beachtet, mir wurden Komplimente gemacht.

Noch mehr Regeln. Noch mehr Angst. Ich wurde ein Profi darin, mich selber zu geisseln und der Glaube, ich sei nicht gut genug, konnte sich ungebremst in meine Seele brennen. Wieso klappte das bei mir nicht? Im Gegenteil. Ich bekam noch eine ganze Menge neuer dazu. Keine Menstruation mehr, keine Libido war da nicht mal was?? War es nicht seine Schuld, dass ich nirgends hinkam mit meinem Leben? Was tat Madame also? Das, was sie immer tat: sie zog die Daumenschraube noch etwas an.

Aber nein. Ich stehe immer noch in Crazydorf. Aber ich habe schon ein paar Dinge gelernt. Du hast dich nicht im Griff. Schau bloss mal deinen Bauch an! Kein Wunder wird das nie was mit dir. Where slightly weird-talking creatures stir their forks in cheese-soup. How come I got kicked out of this holy garden? How come I never skinny-dipped in those pure indigo mountain lakes that manage to be cold enough to take your breath away and still make you feel like you just exploded into pure sensuality? How come I was lonely, when I was surrounded by smiling people? How come that the more successful I was as a national radio host the emptier I felt inside?

How come I never quite felt like a real woman and never felt at ease when naked or feeling watched? How come my smile, my whole life, became nothing more but a waxy facade? And oh boy, was I busy trying to make up for all that I thought I was lacking! No one wants to see a failure! The kicking out itself, of course, began very early. I grew up in painfully dysfunctional circumstances where alcohol, violence and rejection were daily business.

In puberty, shortly after my mom passed away, and I could finally eat without being shamed, I started to gain weight. At 20, the demons were back, body shame kicked in full on. Suddenly, I got noticed, I got compliments, I finally felt like I belonged. But as diets go, they never work long-term. To keep the weight down, I had to steadily increase the amount of exercise, and steadily decrease the calories I ate.

Seems like I have too much discipline for my own good, because, I took this way too far. I figured that I had to go at it even harder. My creativity was out the window, spontaneity was not a thing anymore, and I felt completely lost and desperate. But no. Forget cookies and get your ass down to the gym. Alles, ausser die Anzahl eurer konsumierten Kalorien.

Und immer. Auf Autopilot. Nur… Mooooooment mal. Wenn du nur etwas mitnimmst von diesem Blogeintrag, bitte nimm das mit:. So eine Kultur wie unsere macht eine gesunde, unaufgeregte Beziehung zu Essen und Sport kompliziert und angstgesteuert. Wieder alles essen. Nicht mehr hungern. Die Waage aus dem Fenster schmeissen! Kleider kaufen, die passen und bequem sitzen. Lernen, sich so zu lieben, wie man bist. Das ist verdammt hart mit der klaren Erinnerung daran, wie viele Menschen mir zum Gewichtsverlust und meiner disziplinierten Sportlichkeit gratulierten.

Mir wird schlecht. Gesunden heisst, das alles gehen zu lassen. Es ist hart. Alleine ist es verdammt schwierig. You can use the normal bathtub free of charge. On the ground floor is separate our office. If you have any questions, you can ask my assistant Elli or me! Chalet Treptow - air conditioner -. Hallo ihr Lieben, das "Gutshaus Frehne" liegt an der mecklenburgischen Seenplatte. Pferde und Pferdestall und Weideland vorhanden.

Kinder bis 6 Jahre frei! Unter Website hidden by Airbnb findet ihr weitere infos. Oder Gutshaus Frehne googeln. Zimmer im Gutshaus Frehne, bei Plau am See. Neben dem hier bebilderten Raum kann ich einen weiteren Raum mit zwei Betten, aber ohne besonderen Komfort, vermieten. Im Garten kann gezeltet werden. Ich wohne selbst im Haus.

Ruhige erholsame Gegend andere. Einfamilienhausgegend, wie man sie kennt eben. Ausserdem kann man auch im Wohnzimmer auf dem Schlafsofa 2 Personen schlafen. Alles ist neu gemacht. Das EG ist bewohnt. Das Haus liegt am Rande von einem kleine Dorf mit 22 Einwohnern. Am Ende einer Sackgasse. Bitte die Beschreibung bis zum Ende durchlesen. Die 2. Das Zimmer grenzt direkt an eine alte Schmiede, die komplett wie vor hundert Jahren eingerichtet ist. Die Schmiede kann gegen Entgeld auch von den Mietern genutzt werden.

Live in a rockin Blacksmith. Berlin ist nur ein Katzensprung entfernt. Das Stadtzentrum von Berlin erreicht man dadurch innerhalb von 35 bis 40 Minuten Fahrzeit, die Stadtgrenze Berlins nach gut 15 Minuten. Germendorf ist vor allem durch den Wildtierpark Germendorf bekannt, der Tiere aus 40 verschiedenen Arten beheimatet. Neben einigen regional beheimateten Tieren gibt es auch exotische Lebewesen zu bestaunen. Radfernweg Berlin—Kopenhagen Kletterpark in Hennigsdorf. Show all. Things to do in Brandenburg. Hummus Walk: Arabic Tastes of Berlin. Popular homes. Apartment for two people with own shower and own toilet near the Messe Leipzig.

Public transportation possibility is just 7 Minutes away. The Messe Leipzig can be reached within 20 min walk. Taxi drive away. Own Room with two separate beds, two chairs and a TV. Own shower and toilet. Own entrance and a living room with a little kitchen. Usage of the garden possible for breakfast or relaxing. Smoking is forbidden within in the rooms. In the garden no problem. Friendly neighbors. A doctor is just 2 minutes walk away. Das Zimmer befindet sich in einem Einfamilienhaus mit separatem Eingang und eigenem Bad.

Erholung pur! Potsdam ist 6 km entfernt. Erholung am See. Zur Brunftzeit im Herbst ziehen immer wieder Hirsche an die Seeufer. Wir liegen im Naturpark Stechlin-Ruppiner Land. Honeymoon Suite mit Panoramablick. Die Sonnenterrasse ist mein 2. Das Haus bietet viel Platz und ist mit sehr vielen Extras ausgestattet. Schlafzimmer 1: Doppelbett 1,80 x 2,00 Meter Musikanlage. Kosmetika, Waschmaschine. Nutzung und Preis nach vorheriger Vereinbarung. A 7-minute walk on an idyllic footpath along a little waterway and over a footbridge brings you to the property located directly at the water's edge.

You can start your explorations of the Spreewald by boat, on bicycles or on foot every morning directly from the garden. The house has a living room, two bedrooms one with bunkbeds , an eat-in kitchen and eating area and a full bath. The house has been lovingly furnished with many personal touches, as we use it for our own family as well and cherish our time spent here.

Please note that the house is accessible only by a meter long footpath. This means we strongly suggest bringing luggage with wheels. This also means that when you arrive at the house, you are in a little Garden of Eden, truly in another world. The train is also about 1. Our rental price includes a regional development fee for two adults.

We will need the names and addresses of the adults so that we can print out the cards and have them waiting for you on your arrival. They provide you with minimal discounts at a few museums, etc. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have. We try to accommodate any requests you may have, including check in and check out times. Dorotheenhouse in Spreewald. The loft is 80 sqm. Double bed with wardrobe in the bedroom, double sofa bed in the living room, comfortable sitting chairs and charred Style table for 10 people in the living room. admin